A Parent's Role in Therapy
Written by Anne Farrell
July 31, 2023
Most of the time teens don’t think twice about a parent or caregiver being present while a medical professional or teacher talks about their performance, strengths, concerns, growth areas, etc. In fact, teens often prefer a parent to be present and take the lead in the conversation. But when you ask a teen about their parents or caregiver involvement with a counselor? There is usually a strongly worded response with an emphatic “nope”!
Research supports parents and caregivers involvement in therapy, but teens couldn’t disagree more. Any resistance to talking with a counselor tends to be magnified and a deal breaker if a teen senses that what is shared with a counselor will be told to their parents.
Additionally, even if parents theoretically agree with the research, many wish for a “drop and dash” system like the days of coordinating childhood playdates. An unspoken wish that our kid could talk with someone for a bit and then things would turn around for the better. At Walls Counseling we want to choose the harder path of creating a place of trust with teenage clients and involving parents and caregivers in appropriate ways. We trust the research and know from experience that the more connections built between the sacred space of therapy and “real life” will trend toward more positive and long lasting outcomes.
The challenge is how do we build that bridge? In a magical world, your teen takes the initiative in sharing about therapy sessions and wants to share with you what is discussed, insights learned, changes they want to make in their life. They are able to express their thoughts-actions-feelings without defensiveness and be open to the therapist sharing some of what is discussed in a session so that any tools or coping skills can then be practiced at home. Obviously, that isn’t anywhere close to reality for a teen (or most adults, for that matter). A more typical exchange probably sounds something like this:
Parent: What did you talk about with your counselor today?
Teen: Um, I don’t know
Parent: Well, did you learn anything?
Teen: I can’t remember
Parent: So what did you actually do?
Teen: Nothing, not really anything. We just played a game.
At first, many parents are understanding of the need to develop rapport and a trusting relationship, but without some kind of communication from the therapist these sessions can quickly begin to feel like a very expensive game of checkers with no known goal or progress. By including parents from the beginning there can be a natural conversation that involves all parties - therapist, teen and parent.
Make it stand out
THE CHALLENGE IS HOW DO WE BUILD THAT BRIDGE?
Below are a few ideas and strategies that help build that bridge between the work in a counseling session and real life at home:
Timing is everything.
Talk about how to talk about it before the first session. It’s a good idea to have a game plan of when/how/what your teen is willing to discuss prior to meeting the therapist.
You will want to ask permission to bring it up and be curious about the session; “Hey, I know it can be super weird talking to a stranger for the first time. I want you to know that I’ll be curious what it’s like for you. I get it that you might want a little space, but know that I’ll be looking forward to hearing your thoughts”.
Parents tend to be excited to talk about the session on the way home. Most teens don’t want to talk about it on the way home. Frequently teens need a day or so. Even better, make yourself available after 10PM with a bowl of Fruit Loops and you will likely find out more than you wanted to know.
Use open ended questions to hear a few highlights of their time with a counselor; exmaples include:
“You don’t have to tell me everything, but can you tell me a High-Low-Buffalo (anything random) about your session today?
“Would love to hear a high part, low/hard/sad part and something that was fun or random you talked about or learned?”
“I’m sure you guys talked about a whole lot of things - anything you want to hold onto and remember or something you want to release in the week ahead?”
Ask about doing a “Check-In” or “Check-Out” at the start/end of the next session:
“What would it be like for you if I sat in for the first 2 minutes of your time with ____ next time you go?” (check-in); or
“What do you think about me coming in for the last couple minutes of your session so I can hear things that I can do differently at home or with our relationship?” (check-out)
Asking for their honest feedback gives them a needed sense of voice in therapy while also communicating you care and want to learn more about what they need
Our practice recognizes that we only have your child for one hour of the 168 hours in a week. We want to partner with parents and involve them in therapy as much as possible. We know that is a process of earning trust with your teen and will take the time to get to know them as well as value the role that parents and caregivers have in their lives. If you would like to talk with one of our clinicians about working with your teen, please contact our office at: (719) 301-5458 or
admin@springeop.com.
References
Haine-Schlagel, R., & Walsh, N. E. (2015, June). A review of parent participation engagement in child and Family Mental Health treatment. Clinical child and family psychology review. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4433419/